The 'Happiness Trap' Trap.

There are so many anxiety, trauma and mental health coaches out there with advice that sounds good... how do you know who to trust and fully follow?

As a general rule, I don’t like to crap on other coaches' and therapists' approaches. I don’t want to be the guy who acts like I’m the only person out here who can help and I don’t want to dissuade people from committing to any healing approach that resonates with them. I know that there are ‘different strokes for different folks’ and I’m glad that we live in a world with many approaches to doing this healing. But…

Sometimes I see things that really get me frustrated.

Sometimes it’s because what I see is such horrendous advice that I can see how following it will cause huge problems.

Other times, it’s advice that I feel is just slightly wrong, but it’s frustrating to see that people with slightly wrong advice are being followed by millions of people.

Here’s one example.

One of my amazing and most grateful clients was advised by some friends and a counsellor to read ‘The Happiness Trap’. I’m honored to say that - although she agreed to read it - she keeps telling everyone that she learned much more from me than that book has to offer and that all of the lessons she learned in that book were better covered in her work with me.

So, today, she sent me this photo from the book, in which the author instructs readers to steer themselves away from unhelpful thoughts and inner questions by telling the mind “thank you for trying to waste my time” and “Thanks mind, but I’m not playing today”.

Excerpt from The Happiness Trap by Dr Russ Harris giving advice on how to handle cycling negative thoughts and troubling emotions.

Similarly, I do instruct my clients to catch their negative thoughts and - when they do - one part of their response is to thank their mind. BUT… I instruct my clients to thank their minds for trying to keep them safe! These unhelpful thoughts and questions that they are dealing with came from frightened parts of themselves only trying to do their job, and we want to be genuinely grateful for their service. We want to form positive emotional responses to catching our negative thoughts and form positive relationships with all of the wounded parts of ourselves.

Do you see the difference?

The Happiness Trap instructs you to build a passive aggressive and sarcastic relationship with this inner voice. Like, “oh yea buddy…. Thanks for your shitty advice, bro!”

Does that sound like self-love to you? Does that sound like the relationship you want to have with yourself? Does that sound like the way you should be treating others when they try to help you or the way you want others to treat you when you try to help them… even if the way you try to help isn’t helpful?

It’s the little things… and the little things DO matter!

Or, I was speaking with another client recently about how important it is to recognize that our emotions manipulate our thoughts. When we happen to be feeling good, we think more positively, and when we happen to feel down we think negatively. It’s absolutely crucial to recognize that so that we don’t give our negative thoughts more weight than they should have. We NEED to recognize that our thoughts aren’t accurate reflections of reality, they are reflections of our current emotional state.

So, my client asked, “Well, then why does Byron Katie say that thoughts create emotions?”

Ugh… YES! Thoughts do impact our emotions. There is no denying that. It’s part of my teachings as well. But it is ALSO true that emotions impact thoughts. And indeed, it is FAR MORE true that emotions impact your thoughts. Emotions are far more powerful at impacting your thoughts than the other way around. That’s why you can’t just rationalize your way out of depression, but being in depression will keep you thinking negatively.

So, why do millions of people who follow Byron Katie not recognize the other half of this equation? Because this advice by Byron Katie only touches on one layer of their inner world. The surface layer. And if we truly want to heal, we need to go deeper. If you keep on trying to control your emotions with your thoughts, you will forever stay stuck at a certain level of your healing. That’s like mastering high school math. Sure, it’s great and can do a lot of things… but there is SO MUCH MORE to learn in math!

So, if you’ve been reading all of these self-help books and find that you’re still stuck trying to wrestle your emotions into submission with your thoughts, and if you want to move past the high school level emotional fitness techniques being taught by these frustratingly famous coaches and move to a Masters' level approach, visit my website or book a call with me.

Tags: #anxiety-coach, #happiness, #russ-harris, #byron-katie

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Photo of Benjy Sherer, Anxiety Coach. An emotional fitness trainer specializing in offering guaranteed relief from anixety, trauma, fear and more.

Benjy Sherer is a mental health coach and emotional fitness trainer specializing in anxiety and trauma healing. His approach is about bypassing the intellectual analysis of our past traumas and focusing instead on conquering the subconscious cycles that keep us stuck in fear and which prevent us from truly healing our pain.

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