People Pleasing is a Defense Mechanism.

One of the most common issues of self-betrayal that I help my clients deal with is people-pleasing. It’s practically a pandemic these days—putting other people’s needs ahead of your own to earn approval, avoid confrontation, and find a sense of self-worth.

Strange as it may sound, this need to prioritize others above yourself is actually a completely selfish act.

Before I go on, let me clarify that I’m not judging you in the slightest if you’re stuck in this pattern. Not only because I used to be stuck in this pattern as well, but also because this act of selfishness comes from pain, and I sympathize with you. You’re not doing anything wrong; you’re just running from your wounds and trying to deal with feelings you don’t know how to handle.

And therein lies the real truth of the matter.

The reason you’re putting other people ahead of yourself is not because you just care so deeply about others (even if you do, in fact, care deeply about others). You’re doing it because you’re afraid and unable to confront the feelings of discomfort that come along with standing up for yourself, demanding your value, and setting healthy boundaries.

You’re doing it to protect yourself, not truly because it’s what’s best for anyone.

And the fact of the matter is that even if you do care so deeply for others that you really just want to give everything you possibly can to the world, then this habit of people-pleasing is actually preventing you from doing so.

When you don’t take care of yourself and prioritize your own needs and boundaries, you end up draining yourself and you have less and less to actually give to others.

When you people-please, you can constantly give to others, but you’re only giving them a small portion of the full version of yourself.

But when you learn how to put yourself first, even if you spend a little less time serving others, you will be exponentially more effective in that time that you do spend serving them, and overall… everyone wins.

This is why I tell my clients…

Self-love is not selfish! It is absolutely necessary!

If you really cared that much about taking care of others, you’d find the strength to tackle your traumas and defense mechanisms. You’d take care of yourself first instead of selfishly running from your pain so that you could bring the full version of yourself out into the world.